Seeing the Destination, but not the Path

i stumbled upon a movie online a few months ago called "the Secret," which i watched with a lot of interest. we all love secrets and knowing something that will give me any type of edge that isn't common knowledge, all the better. the movie itself runs along the vein of the popular metaphysical move "What the *bleep* do we know?" which gained a bit of a cult following on the internet.

"the Secret" is about the power of thought. it's basic premise is that "from thought, comes things." that is, whatever it is that we most think about, becomes our reality. it's a "secret" that's been known by all the powerful, influential leaders in history, like Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luthur King. and also by the religious titans like Buddha or Christ. what they knew to be true in a religious or spiritual way, we now know to be true in a quantum mechanical, scientific way: that prayer (asking the universe) works, and that our own thoughts create our reality.

i've always been interested in how the mind works. i think it rose from my wanting to know why i couldn't be happier or more at peace growing up. i was always searching, always thinking the "next thing" would make me happy, and that one day, my life would start. but that day never came, and i stayed in a continual state of low-grade anxiety. it was a great set-up that lead directly to my drug and alcohol addiction in my late 20's.

but once i got sober, and i became convinced that i could no longer use drugs to cover up that dread and anxiety, i knew i had to find healthier, less destructive ways of blunting or even curing myself of my mental malaise. thus began my search in the spiritual, metaphysical and psychological realms. i began to study buddhism and the eastern traditions and learned that much of my so called problems were my own doing. that the outside world really had nothing to do with my happiness or unhappiness and that my unhappiness was a direct reflection of my thoughts. i began meditating and it helped me greatly in quieting my rapidfire, often destructive thoughts.

then i stumbled upon eckhart tolle and his seminal book "the Power of Now," from which i learned that my thoughts are not only the source of the problem, my mind is not even present with me the majority of the time. i learned that i live in the past and the future and that very little of my consciousness is actually in the present moment. tolle believes that our suffering is caused by us not being in the present moment. putting tolle's ideas into practice and pulling myself into the moment continues to be challenging for me.

i also delved into the murky waters of quantum physics, and learned that, at very very small dimensions, "reality" gets very strange and that things don't act the way they're supposed to. at the very small, reality becomes dependent on the observer himself. we all think that if no one is looking at a tree in the forest, it's still there. but in the quantum world, that's not true. if no one is "looking," the tree only has a PROBABILITY of being there. it's neither "there" nor "not there." it only "appears" after someone looks at it. as non-sensical as this may seem, many real world experiments support this.

but it was how quantum mechanics related to the mind that interested me most. according to the experiments, at the smallest levels, mind (or consciousness) actually changes things in the "real world." the thinking causes the observing, which actually influences things with just the force of thought.

so when i stumbled on the movie "the Secret" and it's book, i realized that this was, for me, the next step in this path. first, i found out that my thoughts were the problem. then i found out that instead of being in control of my own moment to moment thoughts, i was constantly stuck in the past or worrying about the future. next, i realized that my mind, once focused, can have actual effects on the "outside" world. now, it seemed, the ideas in "the Secret" has me coming full circle. i can now use what i've learned up to now to focus on changing my own life, simply through thought.

like all truisms, it seems almost common sense at first glance. but look a little deeper, and the idea that we can change our lives just through "wishful thinking" is pretty radical. it was radical when buddha said 2500 years ago that "All things are preceded by the mind, led by the mind, created by the mind," and it continues to be radical today.

we're all taught that we should be "realistic" and that it takes hard work and struggle to get anywhere in our lives. well, according to the idea that "thought creates things," we only need to think about and feel what it is we really want in life and the universe will actually make the conditions to make it so. the other side of this coin is that if we think negative thoughts constantly, our reality will come to reflect that negativity and we will bring more rejection, pain and misery into our lives.

applying these ideas into practice is a daunting task. there is an element of faith and belief that is required to really put any of them into practice. you've got to believe it to be true for it to actually work, because if you fake it, and think this is hogwash and that you're really never get anywhere, your mind is projecting negativity and the universe will react by bringing even more negativity into your life.

so the challenge, and it certainly is a challenge, is to change the way one thinks. to redirect negative, judgmental, destructive thoughts into positive thoughts of what i actually want in life. there's many many years of momentum that have created our present thought patterns, as individuals and as a society. there's going to have to be work done mentally to change the patterns. they don't change on their own. but i think it's a worthwhile endeavor. just imagine being happy inside, and being able to conjure what you want in life on the outside. if i can imagine it to be true, then i'm already on my way.

if i can see the goal, it's not that important that i know the path i need to take. the universe will take care of that. people will present themselves "out of the blue" that will make the next step obvious. the analogy that is used in "the Secret" is that if you want to drive from new york to california at night, you just need to see 200 feet in front of you. you don't need to see the entire path at once to start the journey.

i think the key to implementing the Secret into my life is openness. i've got to be open to the idea first of all. if not, i'm dead in the water from the get-go. then, i've got to be open to my life. i've got to notice when people and things are placed in front of me that may appear as "coincidences." i've got to be open to intuitions and gut feelings and trust that they will lead me to my goals. i've got to be fearless and not be afraid to take wrong turns and have to have temporary setbacks.

i've already taken that first step. i believe it to be true. it's an empowering feeling. but at the same time, i know that it's going to take vigilance to watch for those old negative thought patterns and doubt. but it'll get easier to do, i know it. like Jesus said "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and it will be opened to you."

long overdue return

well, i haven't updated In Decent Exposure in quite a while now. almost nine months now. not because there's been nothing really going on in my life, because, like everyone else, i've had my shares of mini-triumphs and mini-tragedies. the utter truth of the matter is that i've been lazy. lazy, and i don't think i have anything "profound" or existential to say. but, mostly, it's been the laziness.

i'm the kind of person who can get excited about something very quickly. i'll read up on it, spend lots of time (and money) on that subject, then, just as quickly, drop it for the next idea or fad. i know exactly where i got this particular trait from: my mother. growing up, i remember the stained glass projects, macrame plant hangers hanging from every corner of our house, sewing machines strewn in the living room. my mother would hatch quixotic ideas on opening an asian foodstore, then a restaurant, or perhaps a tailoring shop. these ideas rarely ever left the fantasy stages, though. we weren't exactly well-off, and none of the projects could ever get off the ground.

over the years, i'd follow this same pattern of fanatical excitement, followed by complete abandonment. whether it was drawing and painting, becoming a DJ, writing my first novel, snowboarding, painting my house, learning how to program computers, or learning photoshop.

so when i started this blog, i got excited and put a lot of effort and time into it. i forwarded the address to my close friends and family and even printed it out for my mother to read. but, the fad left, other things came into my life that seemed shinier and newer, or required a lot less time and effort. it became easy for me to "put off" updating In Decent Exposure "In Definitely".

recently, however, i've embarked on a new chapter in my life that has caused me to think and reflect on this tendency of mine to drop projects before they really begin. i'm starting the process to buy my first house. at 34, i may be getting a bit of a late start. but, finally, i've arrived at a juncture where buying a house seems to make more sense than not buying a house.

the process of buying a house has revealed itself to be not just a simple matter of an exchange of money or even a brokered promise. it's become somewhat of a journey of self-revelation and self-reflection.

surveying the damage that i've wreaked on my credit the years before i got sober has been a humbling, scary experience. i've always just ignored my credit and pretended like i didn't care. it was a game i played with myself (one of many), telling myself that i didn't need to follow the rules of society and that it wouldn't matter. besides, i'd just pay cash and rent for the rest of my life, and houses and cars didn't matter to me because, of course, i was evolved and above all that trifle.

well, i've come to realize that credit does matter. it may not have when i was destroying my life with drugs, but it does matter to me now, when i'm trying to build my life. for me to build any type of future security financially for myself and my loved ones, i have to build equity in something. i just have to buy a house.

so i've started the long process. actually, i started a couple of years ago, by beginning to pay off some old debts that i had been ignoring for years. it's been a slow process. but a process that i'm not unfamiliar with, being in recovery. there are a lot of similarities between rehabbing my life from drugs, and rehabbing my credit. like my addictive personality, my credit follows me wherever i go, regardless of whether i chose to acknowledge it or not. ironically, financial recovery is taking a lot more time than chemical recovery has!

now, though, i run into some danger. i'm at the point in the project where, historically, my attention shifts towards the next shiny thing, one that perhaps takes a lot less time and work. is this going to be another fad that withers and dies before it has a chance to take root? has anything changed?

i think this will end up being a real gauge at where i'm at in my life. if i can keep a consistent level of excitement and motivation for this project, along with the right mindset, i have no doubt that everything will fall into place. i need to have a level of excitement that isn't too passionate that it burns itself out too quickly. nor should it be one that burns too slowly, where i have a chance of losing interest because "nothing's going on." it's that middle path. it's doing just one little thing day to day and week to week that advances me just a little closer to the goal. it's not obsessing or losing sleep over it, but it's going house-hunting, looking at pictures, and visualizing the ultimate goal. it's "visualizing and planning" versus "fantasizing and dreaming."

so now, you'll have to excuse me. i've got to call a couple of collectors and try to knock off two more lines off that 12 page credit report.

Confronting My Misanthropic Self

as far back as i can reliably remember, which i would hazard to guess would be about 4 years old, i've been what one would call a misanthrope. a misanthrope, according to dictionary.com, is defined as a person who dislikes or distrusts people in general. a misanthrope is generally introverted and wants to isolate. he feels more at home in the comforts of his own thoughts than in the interactions with others around him.

looking back at my childhood, i find that i would always rather be alone, with my own thoughts, than play and interact with other kids. being an asian immigrant growing up where i did, in the largely african-american part of a poor southern city, some of this isolation was based on real differences and seperation from my peers and others around me. the fact is, i looked different than they did. and in many ways, i acted differently as well. school and studying came easy to me. i did well in school, i didn't cause any trouble, unlike most of the kids around me.

so did growing up the way i did cause me to be misanthropic? to say that this environment CAUSED my misanthropic tendencies is, i think, an over-simplification. it's the age-old debate, nature versus nurture. after doing some thinking on this, i've concluded that those psychological and emotional characteristics of isolationism and introversion were present in me from birth. or at least the tendencies towards those characteristics. the environment just stoked the flames of misanthropy that were already there all along.

there's a story my mom used to tell me a few years back about me as a young 2 or 3 year old toddler. she said that when i used to trip and fall, as most young kids taking those first steps invariably do, i would cry a little to myself, rub the sore bump, and go on my way. she said that i never ran to her crying for help. and when she would try to express her love to me, by hugging and kissing me, i would tense up and recoil from it. even as a young boy.

but i knew something was "off" inside of me. that something felt wrong. there was a general unease... a self-conciousness that most of the other kids around me didn't seem to have. when they were running around throwing pine cones at one another on the elementary school playground, i was off to the side, in a grove of trees, wondering why they did what they did and worrying that one of the pinecones would hit me in the eye and about the chain of events that would unfold from such an accident.

so, there was the 7 year old boy who, on one hand, felt the instinctual urge to bond and socialize with other people, and on the other, did not know of any way to do so. there was no way i could see to bridge the gap that seperated myself from other people. whereas a "normal" child would simply not have to think about this. they would just simply think to themselves, "oh, they're playing, i want to join them." if they would even have to consciously think this at all.

in my teen years, this feeling of isolation felt much more accute. the teen years are the years we feel the strongest draw and identification towards our friends and peer group. still, i felt like the outsider looking in. both wanting to join in and at the same time either being afraid of the rejection of the group, or simultaneously having an attitude of superiority... that i was above petty cliques and classifications.

as i got older, and more set in my ways, i began to accept the fact that i was an introvert. i began isolating not only physically from other people, but emotionally and psychologically as well, through the use of mood altering drugs. the drugs provided for me an even more effective way of isolating myself... i could now isolate me from Me. i could now silence not only the voices of other people, but my own tumultuous inner dialogue.

the cycle was ALMOST completed. i was more isolated now than i'd ever been. there was only one place left to go. the ultimate in seperation from the world...

i was well along that path before i was fortunate enough to be lifted from the grips of that self-annihilation that is drug addiction. once i entered into a sober lifestyle, one of the most important things that i had to relearn was the ability to connect with others and reconnect with myself. i needed to end the isolation and bring myself back to the world. there's a saying in recovery circles that "we can't do this alone." recovery is a "we" thing. fellowship and comradery, as well as one-on-one sponsership, is vital to staying sober once you've put down the drink/drug.

this, of course, did not feel natural nor easy. but i knew it was something i had to do. i was convinced that my life was in shambles and that i needed to do something different. so, again, baby steps... slowly, i began to reenter the world. i began experiencing the joys, the pains, the drama, the emotions, the back-stabbing, the politics, the betrayals, the wonders, the love. it was, and remains, so bittersweet. there's often a since of seeing things or feeling things for the first time.

today, there is still a lot of fear in me when it comes to relating to other people. people still scare me to an extent. i don't know if that'll ever go away completely. i don't know if i'll ever feel that i don't need time to myself, alone. but now, i make a concious effort of balancing those two polarities. i now know that swinging too far towards isolation is a sign that i'm not on the right track and that i'm slipping back towards that frightful abyss. so no matter how much that 7 year old misanthrope in me wants to hide in a grove of trees, i now know that to live a life worth living, i have to run in the playground.

My Foundation

my father passed away from liver cancer on april 14th this year. by the time the cancer was discovered in december, it was already quite advanced. it's the nature of this particular cancer that by the time you have symptoms, it's already far along. the doctors we took him to knew the prognosis was dim and there wasn't a whole lot that could be done. i knew in my gut that he didn't have more than a few months to live. i was with him and my mom with the liver specialist when the initial diagnosis was given. it was a sobering experience that i had dreaded my whole life.

my father was a rock. i've always proudly said to my friends that i had only seen my father raise his voice twice my entire life. he was solid, built to last, and, without exception, well-liked by everyone he came into contact with. his disarming humility and lack of self-consciousness was both endearing and frustrating to his kids, and especially his frequently embarrassed wife. he would wander into the kitchen at a restaurant and start chatting with the cooks. everyone loved him. he'd get freebies constantly. a scone here. a free drink there. even a "liberated" magazine from a doctor's waiting room. and because of his uncanny resemblance to the late actor pat morita, he became "mr. miyagi" to everyone.

i admired my father greatly growing up. i admired his steadiness and laze faire attitude towards life. so, like a lot of boys, without knowing it, i emulated him. i saw that he never got mad or upset, so i just figured i should be the same. his stoicism and steadiness became the foundation of the way i handled the world.

growing up, our family was poor and barely scraped by. we lived in one of the worst parts of town and i went to some rough schools. being the only asian kid, i was picked on a lot. this was my first challenge in life, back in elementary school. so, i did what i thought my father would do... just blow it off, don't worry about it. push down the anger and the fear. don't get mad. this attitude kept me out of a lot of fights growing up. it was a survival mechanism.

when i entered my early adulthood however, this way of dealing with my negative emotions started backfiring. repressing my feelings and emotions became more difficult. it just didn't work any more. i couldn't figure out what was wrong. it seemed to work so well for my dad. everyone loved him and he was genuinely one of the most chilled out, happy guys i ever met.

it wasn't until much later, actually pretty recently, that i came to realization that i had it all wrong. the difference was, my father WASN'T "repressing" nor was he in denial. his attitude came from real emotional growth, forged in the fires of the war he had fought and the life he had lead up to then. i had unknowingly made a fundamental error in thinking and living. it wasn't just an act. it was real for him. i was just acting. i was acting like things didn't bother me, but they did. i was acting like things were OK but sometimes they just weren't.

you push enough pain and hurt down and it'll come back to bite you every time. and you repeat this process over and over for 30 years and it become the way you live. i just didn't know any differently. so i ran. ran from any pain or bad feeling. and ran towards the good ones. but always with the dread that the good ones just wouldn't last.

eventually, i came to a split in my life. the path i was on forked. one way was to keep running. the other, was the much more difficult job of starting to face things. starting to face the moment, even if it hurts. and working through those emotions and feelings. good or bad. a process that continues to this day and will likely continue until the day i exhale my last breath.

now that my father has passed away, i am left with the reality that i have to be my own foundation. i have to do the sometimes unpleasant work of growing up.

but even though he's not around physically, his ideal will always be with me in my heart and memories.

Expressing What's Really Going On

often times i have a hard time expressing my feelings and/or opinions. this is especially true with people i'm close to, such as an intimite partner or family member. i've known this about myself for a long time now, and i think i know why i am this way. knowing why we do something doesn't mean we know how to change it right away.

i think it all boils down to FEAR. i think i live my life defined by fear a lot more than i would like to admit. i'm not talking about outright, obvious fear, like a fear of fire or spiders or something. i mean a deep-seated, core fear that i'm not who i think i am, and i'm afraid you'll find that out. i'm afraid that if i really let you know what's going on inside, my hopes, dreams, opinions, ambitions, wants, desires, needs... then you're going to react negatively to them. and you're going to judge me, and cast me out.

so i find it "easier" sometimes to stay quiet and not rock the boat.

a perfect example. the woman i'm dating, J, and i were supposed to hang out yesterday night after i got off of work. i was supposed to go home, change, stop by my mom's house for dinner, then head over to her house to stay the night. well, at 5pm when i got off of work, i was in a FOUL mood and pretty tired from the workweek. i really didn't feel like coming over to her house and wanted to just stay at my place and go to bed early and sleep in late.

well, of course, i could've easily just said "oh, i'm tired, i won't be coming over tonite." easy, right? well, things, in my own sometimes warped mind, are more complicated than that. i'm weighing all kinds of factors... what if she thinks i'm rejecting her? is it fair for her to always come over to my house? is it fair to pull out at the last second like that, because what if she had something planned? what if i'm DISAPPOINTING her?

but the core of this issue is FEAR. fear of confrontation. fear of losing something, whether that'd be the relationship, good feelings, or even the thought of being a "good guy." it's crazy! when we were kids, if we didn't want to do something, we just said it. and that was that. but i think when we "grow up," layers upon layers of sometimes conflicting values, emotions, and responsibilites pile up and complicate matters. so a simple "oh, i'm tired," even though it's right on the tip of my tongue, just doesn't seem to come out.

so, if this is a situation that i see myself in more times than i would like, what exactly do i do about it? i KNOW it's happening the moment i'm doing it, or shortly thereafter. that's good. i can see the process taking place. so how do i change it, if that's what i want to do?

the way i see it, i've been doing this my whole life. just making a conscious decision is nice, but it's going to be SMALL, DISCREET steps and using REPETITION to make real, permanent, long-term changes. i'll start with making my feelings felt more often in the small stuff, like "oh i don't like that" or "i don't wanna do that" or "boy i'm tired today." doing this over and over and over again.

the hope is that by making small steps, i'm changing things on a behavioural, subconcious level. rather than a concious level.

so, you ask, what happened with my night with J?? well, she called back and basically gave me an out. she knew i was tired without me having to say it. call it woman's intuition. so we talked about it and i made a conscious commitment to start expressing my feelings and opinions more often with her, as practice.

just another small baby step.

Maybe So, Maybe Not

there's a zen parable about a chinese farmer. he was just your average farmer in china a few hundred years ago, but he developed a reputation for being the wisest man in his village. one day, his prized water buffalo ran away. his friends and neighbors said to him "oh, that's terrible, such bad luck!" to this he calmly replied, "maybe so, maybe not." a few days later, the water buffalo came back, and with it, was a female water buffalo. his friends said "wow, such good luck!" again, he replied "maybe so, maybe not." they were puzzled. a few days later, his son was riding the new female water buffalo in the rice fields and fell off and broke his leg. his friends came calling again "oh, that's such a terrible thing to happen." he calmly spoke again, "maybe so, maybe not." the next day, the local milita chief came by and rounded up all teenage boys to recruit for a war, but because his son had a broken leg, they let him stay. "hurray, such good luck!" the townspeople said.

"maybe so, maybe not," said the farmer.

when life happens, as it does to us all, i sometimes say to myself "oh, this is BAD" and want to run away from it. or i'll say "this is GREAT" and want to either prolong it or pile more good stuff on top of it. but both of these attitudes prevent me from living in the moment. according to buddhist philosophy, they form the root of suffering... attatchment. my instinct is to run away from pain and seek more pleasure and comfort. surely, this is a natural desire. we all want happiness and don't want pain. but by categorizing the events and things and people in my life, i'm assuming i know what's best for me and that i how the world works. and if i know anything, it's that i don't.

i've realized that i see the world through a very clouded, selfish lens. my "natural" instinct of self-preservation and self-seeking is productive to an extent. but when it causes me to miss out on what is real, then i'm in trouble.

my father passed away 7 weeks ago today. a few months before he died, he had given me a necklace of the buddha of compassion which was given to him from his own father. i've worn it almost every day since then. well, today, as i was getting dressed, i realized that i hadn't worn it in a few days (i don't wear it to work usually). but when i tried to find it, it wasn't in it's usual spot.

i started getting frantic and feeling a panic build in my chest. then i remembered the story of the zen farmer and his attitude towards life. i began to calm. with a more purposeful and steady state of mind, i systematically began looking for my father's necklace and after a little while, i found it, at the bottem of a napsack that i had used just a few days prior on a trip.

finding the necklace certainly was important to me. but i know in my heart that, even if i hadn't found that necklace, it was only a symbol. that not finding it would not have meant that i cared for my father any less. nor would it have been "bad." finding the necklace wasn't inherantly "good" either. it simply "was."

so i stayed in the present, neither running away nor towards. just doing what was in front of me. just doing and being. one breath and motion at a time.

Stoking the Creative Fire Within

hi there. first, thanks for reading my blog. i hope you keep coming back as i intend to update it as much as i can. i want this blog to be a way that my friends, family or random internet stranger that stumbles upon my site can get a glimpse of the goings on in both my inner and outer life. i started this blog as both a journal and as a way of stoking my creative fires, which i think i've been sorely ignoring and pushing aside for many many years. hopefully, you'll see this blog evolve as i am evolving!

well, a little about myself first i guess. i'm a 33 yo guy living in a small town outside of raleigh, north carolina. i work in the health care field, and, really, i enjoy my job. as much as a 9 to 5 job can be enjoyed i guess! let's put it this way, i don't dread going into work and i like what i do. it wasn't always this way though.

three years and some months ago, a big change happened in my life. i got sober. in more ways than one. i got sober from alcohol and drugs, which had become a daily crutch i used to escape reality. i got sober from the destructive thoughts and patterns that ruled my existence since as long as i can remember. i became suddenly aware of myself and my life in a very accute way.

it's been a long journey, these last three years. so much has happened. but i feel i've only scratched the surface. like an infant just learning how to walk without leaning on the wall. i'm not wise by any stretch, but i do know that this journey never really ends. what was the saying "life is just one thing after another." my life, like all of ours, provides me with so many experiences. so many opportunities to learn and grow. it's up to me to see them and use them. it's so easy to just cruise. but i'm tired of crusing. i'm ready to take the wheel and drive.

i don't know the goal of the journey. but if i had to guess and wrap it into one word, i'd say "expansion." expanding my mind, my body and my spirit to new levels. using the experiences that life places in front of me to grow and change, hopefully for the better.

so i hope you join me on my journey, at least as an observer! let's begin...