Seeing the Destination, but not the Path

i stumbled upon a movie online a few months ago called "the Secret," which i watched with a lot of interest. we all love secrets and knowing something that will give me any type of edge that isn't common knowledge, all the better. the movie itself runs along the vein of the popular metaphysical move "What the *bleep* do we know?" which gained a bit of a cult following on the internet.

"the Secret" is about the power of thought. it's basic premise is that "from thought, comes things." that is, whatever it is that we most think about, becomes our reality. it's a "secret" that's been known by all the powerful, influential leaders in history, like Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luthur King. and also by the religious titans like Buddha or Christ. what they knew to be true in a religious or spiritual way, we now know to be true in a quantum mechanical, scientific way: that prayer (asking the universe) works, and that our own thoughts create our reality.

i've always been interested in how the mind works. i think it rose from my wanting to know why i couldn't be happier or more at peace growing up. i was always searching, always thinking the "next thing" would make me happy, and that one day, my life would start. but that day never came, and i stayed in a continual state of low-grade anxiety. it was a great set-up that lead directly to my drug and alcohol addiction in my late 20's.

but once i got sober, and i became convinced that i could no longer use drugs to cover up that dread and anxiety, i knew i had to find healthier, less destructive ways of blunting or even curing myself of my mental malaise. thus began my search in the spiritual, metaphysical and psychological realms. i began to study buddhism and the eastern traditions and learned that much of my so called problems were my own doing. that the outside world really had nothing to do with my happiness or unhappiness and that my unhappiness was a direct reflection of my thoughts. i began meditating and it helped me greatly in quieting my rapidfire, often destructive thoughts.

then i stumbled upon eckhart tolle and his seminal book "the Power of Now," from which i learned that my thoughts are not only the source of the problem, my mind is not even present with me the majority of the time. i learned that i live in the past and the future and that very little of my consciousness is actually in the present moment. tolle believes that our suffering is caused by us not being in the present moment. putting tolle's ideas into practice and pulling myself into the moment continues to be challenging for me.

i also delved into the murky waters of quantum physics, and learned that, at very very small dimensions, "reality" gets very strange and that things don't act the way they're supposed to. at the very small, reality becomes dependent on the observer himself. we all think that if no one is looking at a tree in the forest, it's still there. but in the quantum world, that's not true. if no one is "looking," the tree only has a PROBABILITY of being there. it's neither "there" nor "not there." it only "appears" after someone looks at it. as non-sensical as this may seem, many real world experiments support this.

but it was how quantum mechanics related to the mind that interested me most. according to the experiments, at the smallest levels, mind (or consciousness) actually changes things in the "real world." the thinking causes the observing, which actually influences things with just the force of thought.

so when i stumbled on the movie "the Secret" and it's book, i realized that this was, for me, the next step in this path. first, i found out that my thoughts were the problem. then i found out that instead of being in control of my own moment to moment thoughts, i was constantly stuck in the past or worrying about the future. next, i realized that my mind, once focused, can have actual effects on the "outside" world. now, it seemed, the ideas in "the Secret" has me coming full circle. i can now use what i've learned up to now to focus on changing my own life, simply through thought.

like all truisms, it seems almost common sense at first glance. but look a little deeper, and the idea that we can change our lives just through "wishful thinking" is pretty radical. it was radical when buddha said 2500 years ago that "All things are preceded by the mind, led by the mind, created by the mind," and it continues to be radical today.

we're all taught that we should be "realistic" and that it takes hard work and struggle to get anywhere in our lives. well, according to the idea that "thought creates things," we only need to think about and feel what it is we really want in life and the universe will actually make the conditions to make it so. the other side of this coin is that if we think negative thoughts constantly, our reality will come to reflect that negativity and we will bring more rejection, pain and misery into our lives.

applying these ideas into practice is a daunting task. there is an element of faith and belief that is required to really put any of them into practice. you've got to believe it to be true for it to actually work, because if you fake it, and think this is hogwash and that you're really never get anywhere, your mind is projecting negativity and the universe will react by bringing even more negativity into your life.

so the challenge, and it certainly is a challenge, is to change the way one thinks. to redirect negative, judgmental, destructive thoughts into positive thoughts of what i actually want in life. there's many many years of momentum that have created our present thought patterns, as individuals and as a society. there's going to have to be work done mentally to change the patterns. they don't change on their own. but i think it's a worthwhile endeavor. just imagine being happy inside, and being able to conjure what you want in life on the outside. if i can imagine it to be true, then i'm already on my way.

if i can see the goal, it's not that important that i know the path i need to take. the universe will take care of that. people will present themselves "out of the blue" that will make the next step obvious. the analogy that is used in "the Secret" is that if you want to drive from new york to california at night, you just need to see 200 feet in front of you. you don't need to see the entire path at once to start the journey.

i think the key to implementing the Secret into my life is openness. i've got to be open to the idea first of all. if not, i'm dead in the water from the get-go. then, i've got to be open to my life. i've got to notice when people and things are placed in front of me that may appear as "coincidences." i've got to be open to intuitions and gut feelings and trust that they will lead me to my goals. i've got to be fearless and not be afraid to take wrong turns and have to have temporary setbacks.

i've already taken that first step. i believe it to be true. it's an empowering feeling. but at the same time, i know that it's going to take vigilance to watch for those old negative thought patterns and doubt. but it'll get easier to do, i know it. like Jesus said "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and it will be opened to you."

long overdue return

well, i haven't updated In Decent Exposure in quite a while now. almost nine months now. not because there's been nothing really going on in my life, because, like everyone else, i've had my shares of mini-triumphs and mini-tragedies. the utter truth of the matter is that i've been lazy. lazy, and i don't think i have anything "profound" or existential to say. but, mostly, it's been the laziness.

i'm the kind of person who can get excited about something very quickly. i'll read up on it, spend lots of time (and money) on that subject, then, just as quickly, drop it for the next idea or fad. i know exactly where i got this particular trait from: my mother. growing up, i remember the stained glass projects, macrame plant hangers hanging from every corner of our house, sewing machines strewn in the living room. my mother would hatch quixotic ideas on opening an asian foodstore, then a restaurant, or perhaps a tailoring shop. these ideas rarely ever left the fantasy stages, though. we weren't exactly well-off, and none of the projects could ever get off the ground.

over the years, i'd follow this same pattern of fanatical excitement, followed by complete abandonment. whether it was drawing and painting, becoming a DJ, writing my first novel, snowboarding, painting my house, learning how to program computers, or learning photoshop.

so when i started this blog, i got excited and put a lot of effort and time into it. i forwarded the address to my close friends and family and even printed it out for my mother to read. but, the fad left, other things came into my life that seemed shinier and newer, or required a lot less time and effort. it became easy for me to "put off" updating In Decent Exposure "In Definitely".

recently, however, i've embarked on a new chapter in my life that has caused me to think and reflect on this tendency of mine to drop projects before they really begin. i'm starting the process to buy my first house. at 34, i may be getting a bit of a late start. but, finally, i've arrived at a juncture where buying a house seems to make more sense than not buying a house.

the process of buying a house has revealed itself to be not just a simple matter of an exchange of money or even a brokered promise. it's become somewhat of a journey of self-revelation and self-reflection.

surveying the damage that i've wreaked on my credit the years before i got sober has been a humbling, scary experience. i've always just ignored my credit and pretended like i didn't care. it was a game i played with myself (one of many), telling myself that i didn't need to follow the rules of society and that it wouldn't matter. besides, i'd just pay cash and rent for the rest of my life, and houses and cars didn't matter to me because, of course, i was evolved and above all that trifle.

well, i've come to realize that credit does matter. it may not have when i was destroying my life with drugs, but it does matter to me now, when i'm trying to build my life. for me to build any type of future security financially for myself and my loved ones, i have to build equity in something. i just have to buy a house.

so i've started the long process. actually, i started a couple of years ago, by beginning to pay off some old debts that i had been ignoring for years. it's been a slow process. but a process that i'm not unfamiliar with, being in recovery. there are a lot of similarities between rehabbing my life from drugs, and rehabbing my credit. like my addictive personality, my credit follows me wherever i go, regardless of whether i chose to acknowledge it or not. ironically, financial recovery is taking a lot more time than chemical recovery has!

now, though, i run into some danger. i'm at the point in the project where, historically, my attention shifts towards the next shiny thing, one that perhaps takes a lot less time and work. is this going to be another fad that withers and dies before it has a chance to take root? has anything changed?

i think this will end up being a real gauge at where i'm at in my life. if i can keep a consistent level of excitement and motivation for this project, along with the right mindset, i have no doubt that everything will fall into place. i need to have a level of excitement that isn't too passionate that it burns itself out too quickly. nor should it be one that burns too slowly, where i have a chance of losing interest because "nothing's going on." it's that middle path. it's doing just one little thing day to day and week to week that advances me just a little closer to the goal. it's not obsessing or losing sleep over it, but it's going house-hunting, looking at pictures, and visualizing the ultimate goal. it's "visualizing and planning" versus "fantasizing and dreaming."

so now, you'll have to excuse me. i've got to call a couple of collectors and try to knock off two more lines off that 12 page credit report.