long overdue return

well, i haven't updated In Decent Exposure in quite a while now. almost nine months now. not because there's been nothing really going on in my life, because, like everyone else, i've had my shares of mini-triumphs and mini-tragedies. the utter truth of the matter is that i've been lazy. lazy, and i don't think i have anything "profound" or existential to say. but, mostly, it's been the laziness.

i'm the kind of person who can get excited about something very quickly. i'll read up on it, spend lots of time (and money) on that subject, then, just as quickly, drop it for the next idea or fad. i know exactly where i got this particular trait from: my mother. growing up, i remember the stained glass projects, macrame plant hangers hanging from every corner of our house, sewing machines strewn in the living room. my mother would hatch quixotic ideas on opening an asian foodstore, then a restaurant, or perhaps a tailoring shop. these ideas rarely ever left the fantasy stages, though. we weren't exactly well-off, and none of the projects could ever get off the ground.

over the years, i'd follow this same pattern of fanatical excitement, followed by complete abandonment. whether it was drawing and painting, becoming a DJ, writing my first novel, snowboarding, painting my house, learning how to program computers, or learning photoshop.

so when i started this blog, i got excited and put a lot of effort and time into it. i forwarded the address to my close friends and family and even printed it out for my mother to read. but, the fad left, other things came into my life that seemed shinier and newer, or required a lot less time and effort. it became easy for me to "put off" updating In Decent Exposure "In Definitely".

recently, however, i've embarked on a new chapter in my life that has caused me to think and reflect on this tendency of mine to drop projects before they really begin. i'm starting the process to buy my first house. at 34, i may be getting a bit of a late start. but, finally, i've arrived at a juncture where buying a house seems to make more sense than not buying a house.

the process of buying a house has revealed itself to be not just a simple matter of an exchange of money or even a brokered promise. it's become somewhat of a journey of self-revelation and self-reflection.

surveying the damage that i've wreaked on my credit the years before i got sober has been a humbling, scary experience. i've always just ignored my credit and pretended like i didn't care. it was a game i played with myself (one of many), telling myself that i didn't need to follow the rules of society and that it wouldn't matter. besides, i'd just pay cash and rent for the rest of my life, and houses and cars didn't matter to me because, of course, i was evolved and above all that trifle.

well, i've come to realize that credit does matter. it may not have when i was destroying my life with drugs, but it does matter to me now, when i'm trying to build my life. for me to build any type of future security financially for myself and my loved ones, i have to build equity in something. i just have to buy a house.

so i've started the long process. actually, i started a couple of years ago, by beginning to pay off some old debts that i had been ignoring for years. it's been a slow process. but a process that i'm not unfamiliar with, being in recovery. there are a lot of similarities between rehabbing my life from drugs, and rehabbing my credit. like my addictive personality, my credit follows me wherever i go, regardless of whether i chose to acknowledge it or not. ironically, financial recovery is taking a lot more time than chemical recovery has!

now, though, i run into some danger. i'm at the point in the project where, historically, my attention shifts towards the next shiny thing, one that perhaps takes a lot less time and work. is this going to be another fad that withers and dies before it has a chance to take root? has anything changed?

i think this will end up being a real gauge at where i'm at in my life. if i can keep a consistent level of excitement and motivation for this project, along with the right mindset, i have no doubt that everything will fall into place. i need to have a level of excitement that isn't too passionate that it burns itself out too quickly. nor should it be one that burns too slowly, where i have a chance of losing interest because "nothing's going on." it's that middle path. it's doing just one little thing day to day and week to week that advances me just a little closer to the goal. it's not obsessing or losing sleep over it, but it's going house-hunting, looking at pictures, and visualizing the ultimate goal. it's "visualizing and planning" versus "fantasizing and dreaming."

so now, you'll have to excuse me. i've got to call a couple of collectors and try to knock off two more lines off that 12 page credit report.