Expressing What's Really Going On

often times i have a hard time expressing my feelings and/or opinions. this is especially true with people i'm close to, such as an intimite partner or family member. i've known this about myself for a long time now, and i think i know why i am this way. knowing why we do something doesn't mean we know how to change it right away.

i think it all boils down to FEAR. i think i live my life defined by fear a lot more than i would like to admit. i'm not talking about outright, obvious fear, like a fear of fire or spiders or something. i mean a deep-seated, core fear that i'm not who i think i am, and i'm afraid you'll find that out. i'm afraid that if i really let you know what's going on inside, my hopes, dreams, opinions, ambitions, wants, desires, needs... then you're going to react negatively to them. and you're going to judge me, and cast me out.

so i find it "easier" sometimes to stay quiet and not rock the boat.

a perfect example. the woman i'm dating, J, and i were supposed to hang out yesterday night after i got off of work. i was supposed to go home, change, stop by my mom's house for dinner, then head over to her house to stay the night. well, at 5pm when i got off of work, i was in a FOUL mood and pretty tired from the workweek. i really didn't feel like coming over to her house and wanted to just stay at my place and go to bed early and sleep in late.

well, of course, i could've easily just said "oh, i'm tired, i won't be coming over tonite." easy, right? well, things, in my own sometimes warped mind, are more complicated than that. i'm weighing all kinds of factors... what if she thinks i'm rejecting her? is it fair for her to always come over to my house? is it fair to pull out at the last second like that, because what if she had something planned? what if i'm DISAPPOINTING her?

but the core of this issue is FEAR. fear of confrontation. fear of losing something, whether that'd be the relationship, good feelings, or even the thought of being a "good guy." it's crazy! when we were kids, if we didn't want to do something, we just said it. and that was that. but i think when we "grow up," layers upon layers of sometimes conflicting values, emotions, and responsibilites pile up and complicate matters. so a simple "oh, i'm tired," even though it's right on the tip of my tongue, just doesn't seem to come out.

so, if this is a situation that i see myself in more times than i would like, what exactly do i do about it? i KNOW it's happening the moment i'm doing it, or shortly thereafter. that's good. i can see the process taking place. so how do i change it, if that's what i want to do?

the way i see it, i've been doing this my whole life. just making a conscious decision is nice, but it's going to be SMALL, DISCREET steps and using REPETITION to make real, permanent, long-term changes. i'll start with making my feelings felt more often in the small stuff, like "oh i don't like that" or "i don't wanna do that" or "boy i'm tired today." doing this over and over and over again.

the hope is that by making small steps, i'm changing things on a behavioural, subconcious level. rather than a concious level.

so, you ask, what happened with my night with J?? well, she called back and basically gave me an out. she knew i was tired without me having to say it. call it woman's intuition. so we talked about it and i made a conscious commitment to start expressing my feelings and opinions more often with her, as practice.

just another small baby step.